Wifey

 

There's a thought process that's been preoccupying my few precious moments of navel gazing lately, and it's been gatecrashing my brain when I've been busy with other things: I am going to be a wife, I am going to have a husband.

That's even about as complex as it gets, no more words than that, but it's not a freak out or Oh-my-God-what-am-I-doing, it comes through with a sense of wonderment. As I've written before, even as a child I declared I would never get married. That attitude softened as I got older, but only now, at 42, am I really going to do it. The sense of being about to cross a threshold into another state is very strong right now. In the past I have been guilty of spouting the line, maybe even believing, "It's only a piece of paper, it doesn't mean anything." Hey Former-self, wise up! It does mean something. It means a very great deal.

I remember that on my first date with Charles, almost two and a half years ago, while he was talking and I was listening and watching, the thought popped into my head, "This is a man I could marry." As conscious as that. How cheeky! But I mostly noted it because I had never had that thought before about anyone else, ever. 

It has been quite a surreal process planning a wedding with a groom who is on the other side of the planet. Charles found out his divorce had finally come through when he returned to Montreal from his last trip here to look after me post-surgery. We haven't had a minute together in the last three and a half months to discuss it in person or squeeze hands with excitement. But tonight he and his children arrive, after 48 hours of travelling. At least with me being in a post-CIAF daze we'll all be similarly zombiefied and I am grateful for how busy it is at work right now, my impatience to be at the airport to pick them up is rewarded with the rapid passing of time.

Last night as I was making up my bed with fresh sheets, I was amusing myself with the thought that one more sleep and I would be sharing the bed with my husband-to-be. It was good to be conscious of doing something for 'us', as opposed to 'me', with 'him' 'over there'. For me this is actually going to be one of my biggest challenges in my new marriage: the Us-ness. This won't be helped by still being long-distance until my Canadian residency is approved, but as a long-time Little Miss Independent, even in my last long-term relationship (I purchased a house on my own in that one and it was a seven and a half year relationship), being more mindful of Us is a habit I'm going to have to get into. My selfish single-girl ways just won't cut it. There are also two fantastic children involved in this relationship, so you may begin to get the picture of why I have made Change the overarching theme of this blog.

Charles has definitely already proven his sticking power in our relationship: two years long-distance and travelling halfway across the globe to nurse me back to health twice have already fulfilled most of the out-of-the-box marriage vows I can think of. I'm hoping I can be just as good at Wifing for him.